Depression

It’s been a while since I updated, hasn’t it? Well, part of that I can blame on my family coming to visit me (it was an absolute blast) and part of it I can blame on my terrible depression.

I’m not gonna give you the talk about what depression is cause I’m assuming people understand it to a point (I hope). I’ve had depression since I was a teenager, I think. I wouldn’t say in childhood, though I could be quite melancholy then, but it hit full force when I was a teenager. Back then I didn’t realize what it was, but now I am rather aware.

Depression is a beast that attacks when I least expect it and when I do most. Almost every day, definitely as the light gets lower. It halts my hands, it stills my thoughts, it craves appreciation and attention. I’ve been in a partial paralysis for my entire adult life. Even now that I’m on anti-depressants, most of my days are a 2 out of a scale from 0-10.

Of course, with the depression comes the anxiety and with the anxiety comes the avoidance of responsibilities or, in most cases, the feeling of wanting to hide under the covers and never come out again.

I don’t really have an end goal with this post, you know. Just wanting to share. If you’re feeling this way, too, you’re not alone. You can get through it. Surround yourself with supportive people and celebrate the small things. I’m celebrating the fact that I got out of bed this morning.

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Self Publishing vs. Trade

So I’ve been working on this book for something like… erm… three years now (I know, I know, that’s too long to be working on something in this day and age). And this means the story has been so many different things and existed in different variations of worlds and such. I like what I’ve settled on and, hopefully, I’ll be shopping the story around to agents by January at latest (fingers crossed).

But last night I was talking to my husband about what I want out of writing, how I want to go about this. He pointed out that we could afford at least decent covers (he is an artist as is my dad, as is my brother, and he’s active in a community of artists, and I do graphic design on the side so typography won’t be as big an issue) and my first attempt with trade publishing went disastrously. Here’s the problem, though: I don’t have the following to be successful indie author, nor do I know how to market, nor do I have the network for it, nor do I know how to social media.

So what’s my plan? Well, as much as I’d love to put my stories out often and quickly, I think I need an agent and publisher. I’m just… not willing to take on the responsibilities of an idie author. Mostly because I’m fairly sure I can’t do it successfully.

Anyway, I’ll be letting you know what I’m up to as we go along. I’m going to try to finish my current draft by the end of July (yes! Camp NaNoWriMo!) but I will not make promises.

Let me know if any of you are participating as well! Have a wonderful day.

I don’t really read

No, really. Not like… I obviously have theĀ ability to read, but I don’t sit down with a good book on a stormy day and get lost in someone else’s world. I used to. In fact, my mother read to me well past the age a child needs it simply because the idea of exploring a world as a family was an amazing thing for us.

So what changed?

High school and University, both brought a blight of books to read and critique and analyze and hate. Yes, I hated most of the assigned reading I endured through the years. It got to a point that anything with just a whiff of ‘meaning’ would put me off because all I could think of was the annotations I’d needed to make or the class discussions we had to engage in. I wasn’t that social of a child and speaking aloud, even well into adulthood, was quite the terrifying affair.

I think the most recent book I read was… I think it was called Night Circus. Sad, isn’t it? Can’t even remember. There have been stories that, in passing, might catch my fancy, but I find them utterly frustrating to sit down with.

All that being said, I’m trying to rectify this about myself. An author who doesn’t read is missing so much of the available skillset. What is the competition up to? Who has similar ideas? Is there something to learn from the pros of others? Of course, the answer to the last question, whether the pros is horribly elementary or extremely advanced is always, “yes.”

Therefore, I’m going to attempt to read a book every three months. I’m looking for suggestions, mostly for fantasy. I really don’t care whether it’s meant for younger than Adult, there’s always something to be learned. That being said, I will not be reading the books Sarah J. Maas put out (I did try to readĀ Throne of Glass (sadly, almost wrote ‘glass’ as ‘glaas’ there), but I could not connect with it and have heard horrible, horrible things about the fairy books). And there are some other sorts of stories I may find… distasteful. Still, I would appreciate any good fantasy suggestions.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

The obligatory “WHO AM I?!” post

Hi! I’m M. Hopefully going to be a published author soon enough. I have quite the story in the works with maps a-plenty.

Unfortunately, I also have Multiple Sclerosis. That part really sucks. In fact, Monday I had a terrible reaction to one of my medications. Probably should’ve gone to the ER, but didn’t. One of those things, I think, growing up where I did. You always minimize the pain you’re in so others don’t worry about you.

Other than that, I’m a tabletop roleplaying game enthusiast, currently trying Pathfinder, D&D 5e, and World of Darkness. I like the first and third best so far. Still a bit miffed at 5e for nerfing clerics. I’m a gamer, into several PC and console titles.

I’ll try to update this blog weekly. If I don’t then I’ll just update it when I regularly can. Have a wonderful day and thank you for stopping by.